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Friday June 13, 2003
Hey so like I was just thinking the other day about my mornings. I don't really have mornings because I never wake up early enough but that's like whatever. So like I don't know if I'm the only person it happens to. It would suck if it did. So like anyway, you're asleep right? And then you're like half awake and you're like whoa I have to take a piss so you get up go to the bathroom and you think after you're done you're going to go back to sleep just like that but...Oh dear god something went wrong. Someone's in the bath room and you have to wait or you get distracted either in there or on your way back to bed and you take longer than usual. So like anyway you get back to bed and you try and try to go back to sleep but you can't. You've been up for too long and this effects your whole day. Yeah that sucks. It happened to me the other day...I got distracted by my thoughts about it. Yeah...So yeah I have a weird tan line on my feet. My feet are so white compared to my legs. I've never worn ankle socks. I think they're weird. Some people look good in them and some people...actually I've never seen anyone not look good in ankle socks...how could you not look good in ankle socks? They're socks. I don't like sleeping with socks on...I don't like a lot of things. I don't like this site, I don't like my hair, I don't like school, I don't like myself...Some people are okay. I like animals better. Yesterday my dog was sort of scratching at my leg. I guess he wanted me to pick him up so I did. When I did I put him on my lap and then I looked at my hand and there was blood on it. It looked like something out of a movie. It wasn't bad or anything. He had gotten into a fight with my other dog. He was okay, he just has a little cut on his ear. Worse has happened to him. He's blind in one eye. It's so sad. I think I could go on talking for like ever acutally when I say I can go on forever I usually loose my train of thought. Even if I did talk forever who would listen? I don't know anymore.
Monday June 16, 2003
I'm so retardedly stupid...I was supposed to do something on Saturday it was really super ass important and I totally forgot about it. God that sucked ass. I barely rememberd this morning...It's like 4 am right now. I'm listening to K-earth. I really like this station. I like my friends...most of them anyway...there are some that are like really too much drama and I don't understan. I'm sure that people who read this (like anyone does) are going to think "I'm I the person she doesn't understand?" It's not you. Don't worry about it. I think I like silver rings instead of Gold except for my class ring. I like it gold. Yeah. I hate that I hate myself and I'm always talking about that but I never do anything about it. It's my fault. Maybe because I don't do anything about it I actually like who I am and I just can't believe it. I don't believe a lot of things. I don't know how to write. There's this guy I know, not well or anything...I just know him. So anyway..This guy. He's like really good at writing and when I read anything he writes I'm like wow I wish I could do that. Carla and I can do the same thing every day but if we where to sit down and write about our day hers would sound so much better. I think I need to get over myself and think about other people. Ugh Soul man is playing. I don't like that song. Someone once said that I thought I could get any man I wanted...I laughed and got all anal about it. Do I really think that way? I don't think I think that way? I thought it was weird that she said that about me. I didn't even know her. I was like whoa not even little girl.I'm sorry for the things I've done. I once took confession on a train. It was pretty cool. The priest was all weirded that we where on a train and I asked to be absolved of all my sins. I really didn't ask it was Josh who asked. The priest said he would do it. I felt like really good after...I was glowing. The priest and I got off at the same stop and we where waiting for the next train. It looked like he was looking for me to talk to me some more about it and God but I don't know..I felt scared. I think I felt scared because I wasn't able to say my sins out loud...I wouldn't have wanted to say then out loud because othere people where around. It was like something out of a movie. But it made me feel good. So I liked it. It's like really late. It's only been about 8 minutes and I feel like I've written a lot. Maybe it's just because my font is like way too big. I think I have problems being alone. Like if I'm on-line and no one is talking to me I think people don't like me. I don't know it's weird. I'm sure it's because I have so many screen names and maybe they have other things to do...But what if they don't like me? I'll always think that in the back of my head. At the same time I have these stupid thoughts I know people have it worse off than I do. I think I can see how suicide is a sin...Not only are you like wasting a life or whatever but it's like selfish...I've never had real thoughts about it. I think it's like really stupid. Anyone, even the most pathetic person can get help with what they need help with. The "losers" at school who don't have friends always have someone they talk to. The person who is talking to the "loser" may not like talking to them or anything like that but they do it anyway. How do you know you're not the "loser" at school and people are talking to you because they feel sorry for you? It's probably in likely that it's you but how the fuck would you feel? You'd feel like shit. I don't ever think I've been that "loser", maybe I have. I'll never know. I really don't know where I'm going with this and I don't know if getting across to anyone...Don't make fun of the "losers" and don't make fun of the people who are friends to the "losers" and "losers" don't be bitches to the people who are trying to talk to you because then you really are a loser and you suck a lot of ass...I've always wanted to be in a band...I like singing...My parents are going to get me drums or at least I hope they are. My uncle is a drummer. His band is pretty cool. I really like pool. It's a pretty cool game. Yeah I was playing over the weekend I was like hah you said balls. I've been wondering something for a while now. Not a while but I don't know. The person I wanted to ask didn't get on when I wanted him to. I guess it was like really late. A bruise is a popped vein right? I don't know if it is...If it is what would happen if you cut a bruise...If it isn't a popped vein I'm retarded then. I think I'm about done...My mind is not thinking of anything besides thinking about me not thinking about anything. Now I'm think about me not thinking about me not thinking about anything. Now I'm thinking about...
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